“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You Might Also Like
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law