i actually laughed 😩
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure