He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You Might Also Like
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Money is the root of all wealth
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.