I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh