I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Covid like
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP