My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.