date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger