[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
You Might Also Like
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous