CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.