[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
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man: wait
time: no
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.