My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You Might Also Like
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
handsome & gretel
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any