i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
another case of gang violins
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house