*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.