This bar smells like my childhood.
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
marvel comics have peaked
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”