You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
new career option?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me