Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
? 💀
oh no, steve’s working tonight
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street