When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Meow
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME