[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.