Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
lmfao
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself