Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken