Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream