if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed