Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.