I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.