Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
You Might Also Like
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??