People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
that wasn’t the question
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Probably my best painting.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants