Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
eggs benadryl
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE