Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
You Might Also Like
The real reason evolution started..😂
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Hmmmmm
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The Onion called it…again.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”