Is anyone gonna tell them?
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.