[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
My love language is hissing.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
The options really are this bad
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.