Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York