I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The Assassin.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him