[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?