Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
was Jim off killing horses or…
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.