white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived