Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore