BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants