When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote