I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…