Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You Might Also Like
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Thursday Thought.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”