[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
that’s really how it is
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Finally
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”