Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
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I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Welcome to the stomach
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.