I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Flock of bats
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!