Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Would you wear it?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.