Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.