[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
You Might Also Like
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
oh my god
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.