I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”