WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The Struggle
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.