Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller