[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”